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Helping Your Child Adjust and Cope with Separation Anxiety

At the start of every year, an entirely new phase in the education begins as our 3-year-olds arrive to join their pre-nursery. For most of them this is their first preschool. Thus all these young children embark in the transition from home to school.

Entering into a new environment such as transition from home to school can be an emotional experience for both parent and child. However, careful planning, and the knowledge that some separation anxiety and tears are normal, can make the transition from parent to *caregiver as pleasant as possible. How quickly the child adapts depends on a number of factors including: the child's age and stage of development; the child's past experiences in the care of others; the skills of the new caregiver and appropriateness of the new setting; and the adults' ability to prepare themselves and the child for the separation. Here are some strategies to help make the process go smoothly.

Share information with the caregiver*

Share your child's unique likes, dislikes, fears, eating/sleeping habits and anything else that will help the caregiver understand your child, ease the transition and provide care that is reasonably consistent with yours.

Build trust

Let your child see you and the caregiver building a friendly relationship. Include the three of you in a brief conversation or play activity. Children often use their parents as a "bridge" for developing a relationship of trust with a new adult.

On the way, the first day

Have a calm, positive attitude. Toddlers are especially sensitive to your moods and are quick to pick up any tension in your voice, face, touch or mannerisms. Sing a favourite song or talk about what the child or you will be doing today. Talk in terms that the child will understand, explain when and where you will be picking him/her up ("After playtime, I will come"). A common fear is that you will not return or that you will not find each other.

Take time to say goodbye

Leave your child with a positive picture of what you will do together at the end of the day ("Save a big hug for me when I pick you up! Then we'll get your brother at school"). Regardless of how tempting it may seem, never sneak out while the child is distracted. This destroys trust and will encourage the child to cling more on future occasions.

Avoid repeated goodbyes

Once you say, "I'm leaving now" and go through the established goodbye ritual, then go. Stalling can make the child more fearful and clingy.

Accept and listen to negative feelings

If you or your child are feeling upset about the separation, reassure yourself that you have taken all the required steps to place your child in a safe, nurturing and stimulating setting. Telling children that they are too big to cry or that they are making a fuss over "nothing" only aggravates their fears and fails to help them understand their true feelings. Saying, "I know you are feeling sad. I will miss you too," is more helpful.

Accept the fact that a temporary period of adjustment and some feelings of parental guilt or worry are normal. If it would help, arrange for you and the caregiver to communicate by phone or talk face to face to "see how things are going." Stress from separations and adjusting to new situations can be a real strain for parents and their little ones. However, with careful planning, the adjustment period can be brief.

*caregiver means pre-nursery teacher/assistant teacher/helper

(This article is adapted from Carol Wagg. Coping with separation anxiety. London Children's Connection, London, Ontario. Posted by the Canadian Child Care Federation, 2001). http://www.cfc-efc.ca/docs/cccf/rs041_en.htm (18 Mar 2007).